Day 8- Blah Blah Blah

Blah blah blah reminds me of that Ke$ha song... Not a good thing haha. The blah blah blah today is for the people who keep trying to change my mind. I am many things. I am smart but sometimes spacey. I am funny but sometimes try too hard. I am all of the above and sometimes most of the below. I don't know if any of that makes sense, but what I am trying to say is that I am a lot of one thing and sometimes just as much of the completely polar opposite. It's what makes me me. I keep people on their toes ;) For me, it's just a way to keep life exciting. Its already so short in the first place, why make it boring right? Anyway, in typical me fashion, I have gone on a rant. What I am trying to say is that I can often make spur of the moment decisions. That what Marquette, India, UNC and Century all were. They were decisions that weren't well thought out and thoroughly researched. This time I am determined to do it right. I am determined to make the choice that will best suit me and my needs right now. I have a plan. I am not going back to Marquette. That was a hard enough decision to make on its own. There are a lot of things I am going to miss. I have a great group of friends there. Friends that I know I will be friends with for a long time. But I am sad to not have the two years I would have had to develop those friendships even further. But they are my friends and they understand. Then there was being the mascot. I never quite got the thrill from playing sports in high school that I get from being in front of thousands and thousands of people making a complete fool of myself and dancing and giving things away and making children laugh and sometimes cry. I was a part of the elite group of people who can say they were a D1 mascot. No, I didn't get any scholarship for doing it. To me it was just another job. I got paid $15 dollars a game. Most would say that is not enough, but what I got from those games was so much more than the money. The things I got to experience from being a part of that was more than I could have ever hoped for. Being a girl made it all the more special. 


I've always prided myself on the things I have accomplished as a female in the world. I am not a feminist in many ways, but I believe that women still aren't equal in many ways in the world. What got me thinking of this was my mom. My mom and I were talking about kids the other day for some reason and my mom told me about the time when she asked my dad if he was sad that he never got a boy. And he said no, because my sister and I can do and have done things that boys could do just as well. Just this past 4th of July weekend, we had no problems picking up halves of trees and dragging them across lengths of the beach. We can hold our own in sports and have always prided ourselves on getting along with most people but not taking crap from those we don't care for. It's a simple things when put into words, but it makes me feel good to know that I can hold my own. 


Thinking about myself as a female in a male world got me thinking of another group that I am proud to a part of but also cause me more headaches than I would like to admit. I have a great solid group of friends from high school that I wouldn't trade for the world. They have been my rock and there for me when I have needed them most. It is an ever expanding group, always changing in size with new people flowing in and people always going on their own adventures. No one ever fails to come back though. But what a very dear friend of mine pointed out to me the other day was that this is a highly over achieved group of people. This is not a bad thing in the least, it makes us all better when surrounded by each other. But what I have grown to notice is that sometimes, competition turns into badgering and downing those around us. Being in the situation that I am in now has made me come to think about this all the more lately. It was at a recent funeral of a friend that something about others from our class was brought up by one of my friends. That she felt really good about herself being surrounded by those who had either dropped out of school or never gone while she was getting a degree and getting along great with world. At the time this was mentioned I just went along with it and didn't think anything else of it. What I think about now is what gives her the right to say that people are failures based on what school or how long they went for? Success and failure in this world should not be based on what school someone went to. And this isn't the first time a comment like this has been made. I have some friends at very esteemed universities. And they got there with hard work and brains. To make this clear, I am not downing my group of friends. They all work hard to make it in the world and deserve everything they get in this world. I love them all and wouldn't change them for the world. I am just merely reflecting on the fact that sometimes they down others and it doesn't feel good. I've been a part of it for sure. But what I've come to realize is that being in this position is hard. I have been a part of a high achieving group for a large part of my life, and I have had preconceived notions about the route I am on now. I guess this is coming from a fear that me taking this route will somehow change my relationship with my friends. That they will look down upon me in some way for taking this route. And that scares me. They are who I have trusted and been with for a long time. I know it's probably an empty fear, but a fear none the less. 


Change is always scary. How we handle change is what will truly define who a person becomes. I am ready for that change. I have made up my mind. I am going on this adventure. In the process, I will change. I just hope the people around me can accept and love that change. I know I will.