It's hard to believe what our world has come to. The news has become so depressing, just reports after reports of death and terror and terrible things happening all over the world. The saying "well at least it can't get any worse" will never be true. It can always get worse and we are reminded of that every day. After the storm I experienced at my cabin, I couldn't help but feel sorry for us. But it could have been so much worse. Trees can be cut up. Boats can be flipped back over. Docks can be replaced. What can't be replaced is a human life. A little girl died in that storm. But still, without diminishing any pain felt for that family of that little girl, it could have been worse. The tornado in Joplin is an example of that. Hurricane Katrina is still an example of that. The attacks on 9-11 will always be an example of that. Life is so precious. I can't help but feel bad when I sleep in past 9. I feel as if this thing called life is just waiting to be lived, and me sleeping in is just wasting opportunities. People are dying all around the world, and I want to be able to say that I did something about it.
I've been overwhelmed with these feelings lately that I find very hard to explain. They have been keeping me up at night and distracting me throughout the day. I can't help but feel that this is as good as its going to get. That maybe my life will somehow always be me living in my parents basement. I know that this is dramatic and very untrue. But its a feeling of disappointment. Like all the hard work I did in high school and the first two years of college are just going to go down the drain because of this ever life changing decision I've made. I keep telling you and myself that I'm okay with decision. But the more I think about it and the more I think about how different my life is going to be, the more scared and unsure I become. This isn't a good scared either. I am actually terrified of how this is going to affect my life. I know that these are probably pointless worries and that everything is going to be fine, but those feelings are there and I am finding them harder and harder to avoid. I'm motivated to not let these fears become a reality. I am determined to get my degree and make something of myself. What I want to make myself into is still unclear. I am sure that when I find it, I will love it. But I made this decision because I was unhappy with what I was doing before. I just hope that this wont have the same effect.
Fear is a funny thing. It can consume a person to the point of insanity. It can drive a person to work harder and longer in the pursuit of making those fears go away. What will define me in this decision is how I confront my fears. I will not lie down and let them overcome me. I will fight them. I will win. But for, just feeling something is better than feeling nothing. Being afraid to fail means that I want to succeed. For now, that will have to be good enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment