I've Got You Covered

Something is different this week. Something has changed. Something has finally clicked, makes sense, feels right. It is so easy to get caught up in what might have been, what will be, what has already happened. I can't help but think about what would have been had I stayed at Marquette. Truth is, the only thing I really long for is being the mascot. It may sound silly. But I loved who I got to be in that suit. By the end of my two years doing it, it had lost pretty much all anonymity.  But that didn't matter. Because it felt like people were there to watch me instead of the game. I've always loved to perform, and doing something like that in front of thousands of people was a rush. I have yet to feel the same kind of feeling I used to get running out of the tunnel with my arms stretched out to screaming people. Its easy to be sad about missing it. But something happened to me yesterday. I will probably do a horrid job explaining it, but it was too great to not let it out there.

Spring is in the air. There is no question about that. What I love about living in Minnesota is that the first time that thermometer reaches anything above 50, break out the shorts and tshirts, its summer. The pasty whiteness of everyones legs, the desperate following of the sun like a bathing cat, the walks, the dogs, the people. It was beautiful. The sun was shining and it was like something hit me with a ton of bricks. All of sudden, a peace came over me. I was in the middle of a take home test at Caribou and I just picked everything up, threw it in my car and started walking. I didn't have a destination. Nor did I want one. I just walked. I turned when I wanted, crossed the street when I had a chance, looked around at anything and everything. I feel like I have a lot of epiphany's. But something was different this time. Its easy to get caught up in the hate of the world. Growing up in a time of war and conflict and shortage and lost life is hard. But my generation isn't so different from those before us. Because even though the problems are different, they are still problems. But lately there has been such a despair that I've been feeling, like the world will just cease to be any day. And it isn't the actual ending part that scares me. Its what I'm going to miss when its gone. I'm weird like that, but lately its just seemed like a real possibility. Yesterday changed me. I'm so worried about what I'm going to miss that I'm forgetting to do the things I want to do. I'm so busy rushing around doing things I think I have to do that I forget to just go and do something I want to do. So I walked. I left the test in the truck and forgot about it. If only for an hour. That was all I needed to believe in something again. Every single person smiled and said hi to me as I passed by. People were walking around in groups with their babies, dogs, husbands, wives. And they were smiling. It was like my faith in humanity came rushing back.

I still feel this weird thing inside me saying that everything is going to be okay. I'm still working on that test, but I know I'll finish it. Because the extra time its taking me to do it was worth it. Sitting and laughing with my parents was worth it. Spending that extra 10 minutes just talking to a friend was worth it. Even though the day has passed, taking its place in history, it will always be there. I day to look back on and remember when something goes wrong or just doesn't go at all. That in itself is a comfort. Life is full of little decisions made every single day. Who knows where I would be if I was still living my life "according to plan". Who knows what would have happened if I had turned left or made the light or left early or was running late. But I guess the beauty in "what if" is the mystery in never being able to know the answer. The beauty is in the idea that I can make a decision today that could possibly alter my entire existence. And even if it does, I'll never know it, because I will never know what would have been. So instead of worrying so much about "what if" I'm going to just believe. In what? I really don't know. Its just nice to be able to believe in anything at all.

So in the spirit of Thursday, I bring you a hauntingly beautiful cover by Peter Gabriel called My Body is Cage.