Maybe not so fine

I am a cool, confident, slightly rough around the edges, early twenties female. I have multiple jobs, a loving family, two cuddly dogs, and everything else that I could ever possibly want. Yet lately, I can't get it out of my head that something is missing. I spend a lot of time in the car these days. And that leads me to think. And if you know me, that can be a scary concept. I tend to let my mind wander to places that I don't always want it to go. I think about my life up to this point and how it is I got to this crazy place. It hasn't been the finest times these past three or four months. I tend to think of it as actually quite a dark time sprinkled with little layers of light throughout. It's trying to get better, but it seems that life just loves to throw me a curve ball right when I get my groove on. So I'm adjusting my swing and trying to take it as best as I can. This is a new place for me though. I'm not used to being down for the count. I used to be able to pop up right away and move on, but it seems to get harder and harder the more that life happens. But that's just the point, isn't it. Life happens and there isn't anything anyone on this planet can do to stop it. So I'm adjusting. And I think that is okay for now. 

This isn't just going to be me rambling on about how my life isn't where I thought it would be in my early twenties rah rah rah, welcome to it. It is actually going to be a bit of a challenge, for me, but I hope for all of you too. The examination of ones life can be a scary, happy, daunting, miserable, gracious act. It makes you think about your decisions and how maybe, just maybe, you could have done things differently. But there are no redo's. You don't get to pass go and collect $100 every time you roll the dice. Sometimes you go to jail, sometimes you land on Park Place where your opponent has five hotels stacked up. (sorry for all the Monopoly, its been on the mind) Life can tear you down. We all know it. But when you seriously think about it, it isn't life that is doing the tearing, it is the people and decisions that we make in this life that we have been given. I've seen too many beautiful, deserving, gracious, and kind people get diseases that ravage their spirit and the spirits of those around them. Yet, somehow, through it all, there is happiness hidden in the tiniest of moments. And this doesn't just apply to my immediate family. I hope all of you have heard of Zach Sobiech by now. He passed away in May and I still hear his name at least once a day from the most unexpected resources. Zach was/is one of those people. It takes a special person to deserve the adjective of being inspirational during their life. But it takes someone truly remarkable to continue that inspiration after they are gone. He did that. He earned both roles. So it got me thinking, again. On one of my long commutes from one place to the next, his song, Clouds, came on. And I thought about the global impact his story has had. I thought about how I would be remembered when I go. We all do it at some point right? And I realized that while I hope all will be good, I want it to be great. I want there to be a moment in the future where my name is said and someone goes, "Oh yeah! I heard about her!". So that is where I've decided to take the direction of my current life. I've made a plan. And I think it's a good one. So I'll continue to dig my way out of this feeling that seems to overwhelm me and I'm going to find the path that will take me where I want to go. 

So in closing to this rambling, confusing, hopefully semi inspirational post: a quote and a song.

 “Have you ever noticed how we often live on the surface of our lives? Each day is like the previous day. Time passes, and we continue to feel like we’re living a life less than we deserve. So, dive deeper into your life, and discover what lies below the surface….”
― James A. Murphy, The Waves of Life Quotes and Daily Meditations 

  
It is okay to not feel happy all the time. It helps with the exploration of other feelings. I'm just going to make sure that happy is the end result of that journey.